I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
