so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
