Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
