I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
