i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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