This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
