My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
