that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
