I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
