Plan B is the new Plan A
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
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