Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
