remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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