Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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