What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
