Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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