I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
