i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
