i think my mom watched the whole time
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
