I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
