That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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