GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
