Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
she peed on how many people?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
