3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
