I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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