can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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