Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
