im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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