I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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