I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Randomize
