I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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