I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
