I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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