I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
