two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
