I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
