can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
