where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
