my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
