coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize
