Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
