What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize