Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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