I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
His nipple licking is glorious
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