omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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