yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
