Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
