I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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