Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
