I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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