shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
