My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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