I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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