I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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