I'm drive I can fine osifer
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
