i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
