gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
