You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
