I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
