when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
