I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
