I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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