I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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