Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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