somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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