I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
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Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
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I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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