I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
