i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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