its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
