Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
