i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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