not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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