she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
