My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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